


All The Things I Should Have Said

by grumblesandmumbles



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Ian, Gallavich Week, Ian Always Talks, M/M, Mickey Doesn't Talk, Mickey Uses His Words, POV Mickey, Sad Mickey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 20:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2705900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumblesandmumbles/pseuds/grumblesandmumbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brief mentions of violence and Mickey's coerced rape via Terry. Inspired by this headcanon on <a href="http://clever-grl.tumblr.com">this site</a>.</p>
<p>I have this headcanon that Mickey used to always tease Ian about talking too much. Saying things like Do you ever shut the fuck up? or Chatty Cathy, give your mouth a fucking rest. But he secretly loved listening to Ian rambling on about school, ROTC, sports, whatever random things were on his mind. Loved that Ian enjoyed being with him and confiding in him. And after Ian left, Mickey would think about every time he ribbed him about being a chatterbox, every time he told him to be quiet. And it filled him with sadness and regret because he would do anything to hear the sound of Ian’s voice again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Things I Should Have Said

Mickey had finally realized that no matter what his feelings were for Ian, it wouldn't be enough to help him out of the hole that he was in. He had finally reached out to Fiona and they had agreed that Ian needed help, real help. The type of help that none of them were qualified to give. She in turn had reached out to Ned, desperate to get Ian the best help they could manage. He was able to get Ian a placement in his hospital as a favor. Mickey hated the guy, hated Ian's past involvement with him, but if it meant that he could get better, Mickey could suck it up. They had managed to get Ian to agree to this, but he did not want his younger siblings to see him in this condition. Fiona had found an excuse to send the three of them over to Sheila's, and Fiona, Lip and Mickey escorted Ian to the hospital. They said their goodbyes and Ian was taken away. They were told they couldn't come back for a few days until he had adjusted. Lip had offered them a ride back to the Southside, he had Amanda's car, but Mickey had declined. When he did, Fiona did too. Said she would take the train back with him. He wanted to be alone, but figured she had her reasons so he let it go. It was these circumstances that led Mickey to have a heart to heart with Fiona Gallagher of all people.

They had started out walking towards the train, but when Mickey started talking they just kept walking. "I've never admitted it, but I always liked listening to Firecrotch... Uh, Ian... ramble his head off. I already miss his nonstop chatter. Maybe I should have told him that, told him anything really. It could have changed a lot, I know that. I'm plenty of things, but I'm not an idiot. Maybe an asshole though. Definitely an asshole. Half the reason I ever agreed to take that stupid job at the Kash and Grab was to hang out with him. Sure, the other half was to fuck around. But I actually enjoyed his company, go figure. It was nice to just hang out with someone who wanted to hang out with me, get to know me, didn't just need favors or help with deals or jobs or beating someone's ass. I remember the first time I realized I gave a shit what happened to him. He came to my house one day, frantic, telling me he needed to see me. Of course, his timing couldn't have been worse, there was a lot of shit going on that day. But I could tell it was serious, and I met him at the Kash and Grab. He actually didn't talk for once, just took me into the freezers and we did our thing. I remember how I gripped the shelf and he put his hand over mine. I wanted to pull away, I'm not one for that affection bullshit. But I let him do it. Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to hear this."

Fiona smiles. "No, actually I do. I never really knew what was going on with you and Ian, didn't even suspect anything for a long time. I found out recently that Lip had known, but I was in the dark. For a kid who can talk so much, he's surprisingly secretive. It would be nice, maybe even helpful, to know more about the stuff he wasn't telling us."

Mickey nods and continues. "I don't say much, but I remember everything. I remember when Kash caught us in the freezer, how I came back after I ran out. Stole a Snickers bar, taunting Kash. _I like 'em sweet_ , that's what I told him. And I guess I do. Because even then, I knew I liked him. That's when Kash shot me in the leg, and I got arrested for theft. He came to visit me in juvie. I could tell he had a lot to say, but I couldn't risk being overheard. _I miss you... You say that again, I'll rip your tongue out of your head_. But I wasn't really mad, and he knew it. He saw that little smile I tried to hide, I know he saw it. He's always known me so well. He always took the time to try to know me, and he really does, better than anyone. When I got out, we met up and hooked up in the dugout at the baseball field. Ian, always wanting to talk, me always trying to deflect. _So you make a lot of friends on the inside?... You wanna chitchat more, or you wanna get on me?_ Sometimes though, his talking really did make me crazy. I don't know how many times I cut off conversations, changed subjects, shut him down. I remember Frank caught us at the Kash and Grab once, and I went nuts. Ian was trying to talk me down. But I was beside myself and just couldn't hear it. _I'm done, done, done... What do you think, we're boyfriend and girlfriend? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me._ The look on his face killed me, but I was so caught up in my stupidity that I couldn't just take a step back, couldn't bring myself to take the words back. Landed myself in juvie all over again just to avoid having to deal with it. And it was all for nothing anyway, fuckin' Frank never said a word."

Fiona chimes in. "Well, I can't say I blame you. I know who your father is. If it were me, I might have done the same thing." Mickey considers this idea, shrugs. "Maybe. But maybe I should have had some faith in Ian supporting me. I don't know if that's what I mean. I don't think I believed he wouldn't be there for me. I was just so scared of my father finding out, I didn't want to wait around to find out what would happen if he did. So I got myself the fuck out of there. He got caught up with that viagroid Dr. Ned, I found out when I was back out of juvie that last time. Ugh, I can't stand that guy. Using a young kid, it's gross. Whatever, when I was back he and I found our way to each other again. Anyway, eventually Terry did find out, walked right in on us at my house. That was when they all got pulled from the house. He had snuck out of that group home and spent the night with me, no one was there. Or, wasn't supposed to be. Terry showed up, caught us right in the middle of things. It got ugly, I'll spare you the details."

Fiona grabs his hand, stopping him from walking. "Mickey, don't spare me anything. Please tell me." He tries to continue, his breath hitching in his throat. He finally gets his bearings and continues as they start walking again. "He... He came after us, he hit Ian. Had him pinned against a chair. I jumped on his back, tried to fight him off. He came at me instead, pistol whipped me. Called Svetlana over to fuck the gay outta me. Made Ian watch. That really was the beginning of the end of whatever we had been working towards at the time. He tried to talk to me some time after, but I couldn't deal with it. I pushed him away. But he never let that stop him. She turned up pregnant, why Terry made me marry her. Like it was some fuckin' celebration. After the shit at my house I'd been avoiding him, but when he found out about the wedding he came looking for me. I was wasted and we got into it and I hit him. I felt so awful, but I was scared. He practically begged me to admit how I felt about him, but I couldn't do it. And still, that wasn't enough for him to back off. Ian showed up at the wedding that day, when you guys were on that camping trip. He tried to talk me out of going through with it, but I thought maybe I'd get Terry off my back and we could go back to what we had. The whole thing fell apart. I didn't realize how bad it would hurt him. He got trashed and caused a scene at the wedding, Lip dragged him out of there." 

They pass by a park and Mickey needs to sit for a minute. Fiona joins him on a bench. "He came by our house the night before he left for the Army, to say goodbye to Mandy. I happened to see him, asked him if he wanted to come over the following day, and he told me he was shipping out. I thought he was full of it, but then I realized he was serious. He told me it would be at least four years, it was like he knocked the wind out of me, and still all I could say was _What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? Imma chase after you like some bitch_? He told me he didn't come there for me, it broke me apart. I tried to say something, anything. But all that came out was _don't. Don't what? Just..._ Even then, I couldn't get the words out. I've never regretted something more in my life." Fiona sees that he's got tears in his eyes. "Sometimes when he really got going, I would break his balls and call him Gabby Gallagher. I never meant it in a mean way, but I don't think he liked it much. And after all the times he would talk and talk and talk, and he just had nothing to say to me anymore. And I was too much of a pussy to say what I needed to say. If I had, maybe it would have all been different, but I couldn't give him that. What I would have done to have him come storming in there, words flying, fists blazing. But he'd done enough. If I could go back, I'd say anything to get him not to leave. I missed him so much when he was gone, the one person who hadn't written me off, who truly knew me and still liked and cared about me." 

A lone tear finally slips out of his eye, and he doesn't even try to hide it. He's exhausted with hiding everything. "When I found out he was back and found him at the club, he was high as a kite and talked to me like I was a stranger. I remember getting him home and staying up all night watching him, like I was scared he'd just disappear into thin air again. All I kept thinking was that I'd listen to any and every thing he wanted to say, as long as he wouldn't leave again. Things were looking up, but I still noticed most of his weird behavior. I was just so desperate to have him back, I figured I could keep an eye on him. I thought he was using, that's part of why I started going with him to work, so I could make sure he didn't. I really didn't understand that there was more brewing under the surface. I tried to just follow his lead, going to work with him, going to parties that he wanted to go to, hell I even finally came out officially because I thought he was leaving me. Just spit it out right there in The Alibi. I'm sure Kev told you about that, he was there." Fiona nods at this. "I thought after that, there were no obstacles. How fuckin' naive. The very next day, this whole thing starts. We didn't even get one full good day out of it. He just wouldn't talk to me, except to yell at me to leave him alone. I just wish he could have talked to me. Not even about important stuff, just like _talk._ Y'know, I'd tease him sometimes about his talking, making cracks at him and whatnot. But I really did love listening to him. And I'd give anything to have Gabby Gallagher back. He was always like a ball of energy and ginger sunshine. Going on about ROTC, his hopes and dreams, friggin' sunsets for fuck's sake. It was just always nice to be around him. Fuck, I hope that he can find his way out of this and we can get that back."

Fiona takes his hand. "Mickey, as long as he gets the right treatment and takes care of himself, he will get through this. It won't ever go away, but he'll learn to manage it. He will. And he's got you, Mandy, his family. He's got people who love him. He'll fight for it, he's always been the most determined and driven of all of us. He's always been the one who saw more for himself. He knows how to work for things in a way that none of the rest of the Gallaghers have ever figured out. Just be there for him. And maybe start trying to find the way to say the things you want and need to say to him." She stands up and offers Mickey her hand. "C'mon, let's get on the move. I have to be back in time to get the kids squared away for dinner." He takes her hand and they leave.

A few days later, Ian's finally allowed to have visitors. Mickey is in the waiting room before visiting hours have even started, waiting to get in there. Fiona has held the others off, she knows he needs to see Ian and wants to give him a chance to do it alone. He's finally taken into a patient visiting area, and waits at a table for Ian to be brought in. An orderly finally leads him in and Mickey jumps out of his chair. He wants to run to Ian and smother himself in Ian's chest, but he holds himself back, waiting to take Ian's lead. Ian looks at him, really looks at him for the first time in weeks, and smiles. He moves a bit faster towards Mickey and they grab each other, Mickey burying his face in Ian's chest and Ian burying his in Mickey's hair. After standing that way for some time, they finally sit at the table, Mickey pulling his chair as close to Ian as he can possibly manage. "How are you feeling? You look good." Ian shrugs. "Been better, still pretty tired. Sleep a lot. But so far, not bad. The staff here are nice." Mickey nods, just staring at Ian and taking him in. He feels like he could get drunk on him. "I've missed you." Ian nods and whispers "I miss you too."

Mickey takes Ian's hand and says "I wanted to talk to you about something." Ian actually smirks at this, a welcome sight for Mickey. "Oh really? Mickey Milkovich wants to talk about something? I think hell froze over." Mickey rolls his eyes and says "I'm serious." Ian nods and says "Okay, I'm listening." Mickey takes a breath. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and our past, and all the shit we have been through. And I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you. It was far too many. I wish I could take them all back. I promise that I will do my best not to be that person anymore. And I will be here every step of the way while we deal with what's going on with you. I'm not going anywhere. Not going to hide, not going to send myself back to juvie, I'm going to be here until you're sick of me and begging me to fuck off." Ian has to smile at this. "I'd never beg you to fuck off. I need you here, I can't imagine getting through this without you." Mickey strokes Ian's cheek and says "You won't have to. You're stuck with me now."


End file.
